Staff Writer| Times Herald-Record
There’s a push in this country to make over the latke.
Is there nothing left that’s sacred?
Why would anyone want to change the perfect food? You can eat latkes, aka potato pancakes, hot or cold, fresh or as leftovers, for breakfast, lunch or dinner, as a side or a main dish. You can even top it with sour cream or applesauce – or go crazy and put them both on. Isn’t that enough?
It’s those Brooklyn hipsters. They changed the borough of my youth and now they want to do away with the food of my people. I can just see them gathering tonight around some modern rustic reclaimed salvaged wood dining room table toasting the start of Hanukkah with a craft beer instead of traditional bad Manischewitz.
“Who wants a second helping of low-fat zucchini latkes and fat-free fluffy matzo balls?” yells out someone in oversized vintage plaid. “Just remember to leave some room for low-carb jelly donuts!”
Since when did the holiday noted for the miracle of oil become the miracle of unsaturated fats?
I bet they even make their latkes with a food processor. Blasphemy. Everyone knows the secret to authentic latkes is to use the recipe handed down by our Bubbe: a drop of knuckle blood from the potato grater. It’s what you call having skin in the game. Or in this case skin in the food.
Consider rugged Judah Maccabee, who convinces his friends, a small band of Jewish patriots he calls the “Maccabees” to fight a much larger and better-armed Syrian army.
The Syrian king would not allow the Jews to worship in their temple, which annoyed Judah.
After years of fighting, the Maccabees win. They recapture Jerusalem and manage to save much of the Great Temple. They only find enough oil to light the temple’s great menorah for just one day. But miraculously, it burns for eight.
To celebrate, Judah invites the Maccabees over to his hut for a big Hanukkah feast.
He brags that his wife makes the best potato pancakes this side of the Red Sea. Claims that she even churns her own sour cream. None of that processed store-bought kind.
He promises the guys a full feast: lamb, matzo ball soup and sweet noodle kugel. And for dessert, mouth–watering deep-fried jelly donuts.
But instead Mrs. Maccabee serves oven-baked, vegan gluten-free kale latkes and some dry dietetic cookies, explaining to Judah and his friends these healthy alternatives have half the calories and only one-fourth the carbohydrates?
If you think Judah had a tough time battling the Syrian army, imagine trying to calm a bunch of starved Maccabees. Who wouldn’t be ornery when told their beloved potato pancakes – the staple of this holiday that commemorates the miracle of oil – was being replaced? As was the oil.
Yeah, word has it that hipsters will garnish those oven-baked latkes with non-fat soy yogurt.
Call me a traditionalist. Call me a glutton for punishment. If you must, call me a cardiologist.
I don’t care.
I don’t want heart-healthy organic latkes smothered in avocado and chives.
I want the fat and the fried. The starch and the sour cream.
Not canola oil or peanut oil or sunflower oil.
I’m talking hydrogenated, stick-to-your-ribs-saturated-fat-filled-oil that crisps latkes as well as hardens your arteries.
I hope you have a happy Hanukkah and share it with family and friends, exchange gifts and spin dreidels, light the menorah and say the prayer that recalls the miracle in the temple.
And let us pray for the real Hanukkah miracle. That we survive eight days of eating latkes.
barrylewisthr@gmail.com
